He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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