I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
