I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
