It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
