I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
