dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
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