were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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