sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
