For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
