Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
