Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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