So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize