Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
