Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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