I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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