Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
