did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
