I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
