I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
