I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
