i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
