so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
