I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
