Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
