y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
