I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
