Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Randomize
