If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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