New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
no you cant smoke seaweed
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
