False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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