I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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