I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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