heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
