I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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