New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
