"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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