If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
