How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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