i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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