I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
