I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
