A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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