I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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