I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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