Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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