ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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