hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
