My liver just broke up with me...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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