Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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