i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
