U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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