My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
