She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
